So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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