dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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