you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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