i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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