If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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