i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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