Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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