My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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