4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
