where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
