I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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