Tell her she can't have a vagina
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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