i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
