Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I could make wine with my vomit
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
