the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
