Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
