dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize