i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Also, beer. Big fan.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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