remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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