I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
