Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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