Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
