you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
