Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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