my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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