Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
