we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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