i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
