my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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