I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
