Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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