That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
