I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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