Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
