Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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