The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
