I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
