I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize