I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
