I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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