and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Randomize
