apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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