What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
