Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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