Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
