This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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