PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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