I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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