oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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