mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
