I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
