I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
