Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
