I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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