That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
