My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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