Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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