shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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