yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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