Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
