I think I won the penis lottery.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
