I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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