I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
